you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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