I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
