The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
