I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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