i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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