there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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