I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
