gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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