I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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