So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
