I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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