Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Randomize
