god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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