I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
