i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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