the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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