True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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