I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
