even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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