Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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