If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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