I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
