you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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