I puked a lego.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
