never play flip cup with pint glasses
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
