I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
