After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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