youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
