I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
