she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
