3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
