Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
