Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
