So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
