someone threw a dead crab at me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
