So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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