It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
