I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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