where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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