theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
