I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
