I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
