She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
