I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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