i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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