Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
