I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
