Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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