I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
