In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
