i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
