omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
